[Two Pronged] Why doesn’t my partner want sex in person?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years, living together for 4. We were sexually active the first year, but later, the interest isn’t really there anymore.

We both work overseas. When one flies home for a vacation, he initiates the intimacy virtually. I never do, but I feel safe with him. I enjoy because it’s with him, but I prefer it face to face.  

When I fly home, sex isn’t there unless I initiate it. Sometimes it takes five months plus. This was his struggle from his previous relationship, so I’m glad it’s not my fault. He’s always loving and supportive and doesn’t know why this is an ongoing issue in his long term relationships.  

He ticks all the boxes except sex. He said there are other ways to be intimate but I’m just human and need that kind of intimacy, too.  

Am I being selfish? When I ask him, he gets frustrated since he cannot deliver. It might be my fault since I do not do anything to make him feel horny. But when I ask him what he wants me to do to make him turned on, he just says he’s not in the mood but we can cuddle etc.

I love him to death but I am sexually frustrated. I’m sure I still want to be with him. I don’t want this to be why we don’t end up together.  I’m just scared that if we marry, we will only consummate to make a baby.

I tell him that while we’re young, we should be sexually active because we have enough time to relax when we grow older. I do feel like I’m pressuring him though. When he finally agrees to do it, he does try in the bed to make me finish but when I can sense that he’s only doing this for me and he doesn’t join in, I don’t feel like doing it anymore and we’ll just both be disappointed.

Please help and shed some light to this.

Pam

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Dear Pam,

Thank you for your message.

It is not entirely clear whether your partner possibly has erectile dysfunction or a more general lack of interest in sex. The former has been addressed recently in this column so I will concentrate on asexuality.

Asexuality is a sexual orientation. Asexuals do not experience sexual attraction. However, asexuality is part of a spectrum so some are “almost asexual” or “asexual with an exception,” experiencing few or infrequent moments of sexual attraction, some are “gray-asexual,” somewhere between asexuality and sexuality, others are ”demisexual,” feeling sexual attraction only after establishing a strong emotional bond, etc. For more comprehensive information see here.  

From the little you have told us it would seem that your partner is asexual, with an exception.

I would suggest that your partner first establishes whether he has erectile dysfunction and if so, seeks treatment. If he does not, then you have a potentially stark choice: a sexless future with a man you love or a new relationship that will be more fulfilling. Other options include taking a lover with or without your current partner’s knowledge/agreement but these arrangements are not for the faint hearted. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Pam,

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with Mr Baer that your partner (let’s call him Dan) is probably asexual. However, I do not agree that Dan’s asexuality can be described as “asexual with an exception,” that exception being you (as Mr Baer confirmed when I asked him.)

If you were the exception, then you would not be having the same difficulty with him as his partners in previous relationships did.

Are you being selfish? Not in the slightest and I congratulate you first, for not being defensive and laying the blame on him; second, for still loving him third, for still wanting to have sex with him despite his not having the hots for you and fourth, for not taking his asexuality personally.

And yet …and yet, goddamit!-there is nothing quite like being wanted—and wanted desperately — by the man you love. Or, if one has never experienced this sort of wanting, then by most men.

I am putting myself way out on a limb here…and, admittedly, speaking more like Margie Holmes the woman, rather than Dr Holmes the clinical psychologist. I might be pilloried and so be it. I am seeing more and more women in the same dilemma you are in.  

Because there isn’t much out there (yet!) consumed by the sexual problem Sigmund Freud posed to one of his female disciples almost a century ago: “The great question that has never been answered and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is, What does a woman want?”

What do women want when it comes to sex? They want to be chased.  They want to be sexually desired.  In my clinical experience, they want to feel, in the deepest part of themselves, that the person they are with wants them more than they want anyone else.

This is not something you can get from Dan. 

He can be romantic, kind, even sexy, but in his heart of hearts he cannot want to have sex with you the way a non asexual person can want to. 

There are many ways to mitigate this, some more acceptable than others. 

You might speak with Dan about possible “solutions” to your dilemma. I wish we had more time to discuss this fully, but I hope Mr Baer and I have given you enough food for thought. 

Should you want to, please, please write us again as we have many more things to say on the subject.

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.