[Two Pronged] Am I settling for second best in my relationship?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons. 

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Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I have been dating a guy for almost 5 years. I am confused if I should pursue the relationship with him. The confusion comes from the question of: “am I settling for less?”

Our relationship started quite problematic: differences in our  handling decision-making, etc.

I am the more aggressive and passionate about what I want in life and making sure I get it; he is more relaxed. I am more independent, he needs support to get a job, is insecure, etc.

I have my flaws: total b*tch and say incredibly hurtful things when angry. So we have insecure him and “incredible hulk me” – not a good love story to tell.

We improved as a couple, managing to get this far.

It is a slow, painstaking process. I have toned down my hurtful words; he tamed his insecurity. But we relapse.

Despite fewer fights, more understanding, I have lost respect because of his passivity. I think I put him down, and am not sunshine to his life.

His life skills don’t pass my standard. If we get married, I will have to maneuver/lead our life as a couple; but I want to be an equal partner in life.

But, there are many things to love about him: very “maalaga,” respects my family, cool with my closest friends, able to have  deep conversations; with a sense of humor jiving with mine. We can communicate heart to heart if we have serious problems. I really appreciate his effort, fighting his “demons,” to be better so we won’t fight anymore. 

I still love him. Despite our differences, we share similar values: having a family, rearing a child, etc.  

I wish he had more balls, drive, and smarts in life.

Are these valid enough to fear a life with him, especially with marriage planned? Am I settling for less? Perhaps I am merely high maintenance? Am I the villain because of my strong personality? Is it right to accept his flaws, though these flaws are deal breakers for me? How far should one go in accepting a partner’s flaw?

Does marrying a man, who hasn’t passed your life’s standards, mean a miserable marriage? 

Dilemma

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Dear Dilemma,

Thank you for your email.

Two age old adages spring to mind: “Opposites attract” and “Birds of a feather flock together.” Opinion is divided as to which of these holds greater truth but science has recently favored the latter as these references show.

However, much light studies like these may shed on life’s perplexities, they can often seem irrelevant to the issues faced by two specific individuals like you, Dilemma, and your boyfriend (let’s call him Bob).

In your case, you have been scrupulous in detailing the differences, and some similarities, between the two of you but you have paid less attention to how you and Bob  deal with them. Dr John Gottman is an American psychological researcher and clinician who has done extensive work over four decades on divorce prediction and marital stability. Aside from developing the ability to predict the likelihood of divorce with 90% accuracy, his research has also shown that almost 70% of relationship problems are insoluble and that managing rather than resolving conflicts is the key to success (check here and here).

The consensus seems to be that you cannot change others, only yourself – though by changing yourself, you may influence others to change also. With this in mind and given the many differences between you and Bob that you list, you need to decide whether those that are unbridgeable would ultimately cause any marriage to founder or alternatively could be managed so as to strengthen your union, for example using Gottman’s techniques.

All the best,

JAF Baer

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Dear Dilemma:

Thank you very much for your letter.  I love that you are so clear and honest about the differences between you, but also your feelings about them.

These are the reasons it is less difficult to answer your questions: 

Are you settling for second best? Indubitably so, and the main reason you are is because you strongly feel that you are. You merely want us to confirm a decision you already know.

There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nothing wrong with him. You are just mismatched. It is far better to call it quits now.

Yes, five years is a long time, but not as long as a lifetime or, indeed, 6 years.

If you said: “How lucky I am to have a laidback fiancé who listens to me and needs my support before making big decisions” INSTEAD of “(His) flaws are deal breakers for me” this would not be settling for less. It is definitely not a good idea to marry someone you have “lost respect for.”  

You would not be high maintenance if you were married to a different man and he would not need “more balls, drive, and smarts in life” if he were married to a different woman. 

You cannot keep wishing the man you marry be someone else, no matter how many good qualities he has!

Two final points, Dilemma:

1. You use the word “relapse” to describe going back to your natural set points, to being who you both truly are. Goodness gracious me, Dilemma, would it not be far better to being true to yourselves, setting each other free to choose partners who would be happy the way each you were? Far better than to keep walking on eggs worried your “true nature” came back;
2. You observed you are no longer the sunshine of Bob’s life and I suppose he is no longer yours either. Set each other free so that you can each be the source of joy for your respective partners.   

Please, please, do not end up like Shel Silverstein’s Blue people: “She had Blue skin and so did he. He kept it hid and so did she. They searched for blue their whole life through—they passed right by and never knew.”

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately, the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.