Rappler's Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master's degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in, and subsequently gave, workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction.
But let us get to what seems the real issue.
You have an erectile dysfunction. It sounds like you’ve had it for at least 5 years. I don’t know if it is generalized (happens under all circumstances, alone or with others) or if it is specific (happens only under certain conditions, like with an “anonymous girl”).
Neither do I know what happened 5 years ago that may (or may not) have contributed to your erectile dysfunction or even been the start of it. While some may not think it necessary to go into the whys and wherefores of your inability to maintain an erection (especially if it can be resolved with a vasodilator like Viagra, Cialis, Andros etc), I find it helps considerably.
Neither do I know if your problem is purely physical (thus merely biomedical and/or physiophysical), purely psychological (thus sociocultural, religious, and/or spiritual) or, what is most likely, a combination of both.
Frankly, I don’t know if, like most people, you are uninterested in finding out the deeper reasons not just of your erectile dysfunction, but the factors that contributed to it.
All I know is that sex is not a spectator sport. And the more you watch yourself perform, (seemingly) calibrating every cc of blood that flows through the spongy tissue of your penis, wondering if you will get an erection this time, the less it is likely to happen.
You are not meant to monitor and measure your every move; you are not expected to rationalize why this girl is more (or less) beautiful than the other. In fact, the best sex is when the very opposite happens: when you are so into each other (whether forever, or for as long as your lovemaking takes) that you notice nothing else.
Until I know more about you—your previous sexual history, the stress you are undergoing this time in your life, the kind of upbringing you had, etc—all I can do is speculate. In the same way sex is not for spectatoring, alas, advice-column-writing is not really for speculating.
Men occasionally joke that “Anxiety is the first time you cannot get it up for round 2; panic is the second time you cannot get it up even for round 1.”
Please write to us once more, or go to a professional—be he or she a urologist, psychiatrist, psychologist—to stop the panic from continuing or, better news, prevent the panic from happening in the first place. Take care of your body and mind. -- Margie
(Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email email@example.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.)