Took longer than I expected, but I think it is safe to say that I am a COVID-19 survivor!

“You have suffered enough and warred with yourself; it’s time that you won.”

Ever since high school, this favorite line of mine never fails to serve its purpose. It has become the story of my life. I suffer. I endure. I triumph. But COVID-19 was not the battle I was expecting to embark on. It has been without a doubt the hardest-won victory I’ve ever had.

I must admit, I became delirious, with visions of death crossing my mind. In every ache, every discomfort, every tear – it was as if death was already waiting for me, lingering around. I’d wake up everyday not knowing if I would make it or not. Not only had it taken a heavy toll on my physical state, but it had also taken a toll spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.

The torment was unfathomable. During the first few weeks, I was literally pointing my fingers at the crucifix while in tears, uttering, “Lord, you are unfair. I’ve been so kind; I put every single soul first before mine. Why me? Why my mom? Why us?” I even broke my rosary because of anger.

As the agony progressed, I gave Him an ultimatum: I said to Him that I would give up my dream of having a child just so He could heal us. This was my lifelong dream. I was that desperate. Truly, I had doubted Him and only Him. After all, I thought I had all the reasons to point my fingers at Him. But I was wrong.

This was also the first time I experienced anxiety attacks. Aside from the dreadful COVID-19 symptoms, it was as if the voice of death was following me. It was the loudest voice in the room. The only one I could hear. There was not a single day without tears, tremors, and palpitations. It felt like I was drowning that I couldn’t grasp for air. That was when it hit me…I couldn’t breathe anymore. In that moment, I was certain that I wouldn’t be able to live the life I wanted. It was torture, indeed.

But amid all these, there were people who reminded me of my vigor, people who supported me in dispelling my dreadful thoughts. Ya’ll know who you are. Thank you for making me feel that I was not alone in this fight. You are all reminders that even in the worst times, there is something worth struggling for.

Now, here are the things I have realized and would like to share with you all:

• In the presence of pain and agony, there are people who are more than willing to walk you home. They are empathetic and compassionate. Keep them. Follow them. Radiate from them. Soul to soul. Heart to heart.

• Indeed, there is no such thing as a self-made man. We are made up of thousands of others. Every one who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into our character and our thoughts, as well as our triumphs. You are all a part of me now and I thank you all for that.

• We should not take life for granted. As I always say, appreciate life at large.

• It’s sad that most people trade their days for things, up to the point that greed propels them. Even before this challenge, I was aware that these excessive possessions didn’t matter, but I felt it massively during this life-or-death situation. The material possessions that were once part of my happiness did not matter at all. Only my family and loved ones did.

• We are fundamentally human beings. Now, I ask you again. What does it really mean to be human in times of uncertainty, of adversity? What have you done to aid someone who is weighted down by fears and hurt? Have you ignored another’s pain?

• The Lord does not need an ultimatum, as my friends Pauie, Kimmy, Marcos, and Jude have told me. Even if the universe changes, He will be there for you. Just put all your trust in Him and you will be strengthened. Seek His wisdom at all times, may it be in pain, joy, and the mundaneness of life.

Trust me when I say that COVID-19 is not to be taken lightly. I was wearing 3 layers of protection (a face shield, face mask, and cloth mask) and had not been touching my face, and yet I still acquired it when I went to the bank. That was the only time I went out, out of necessity, too. It’s a gentle reminder that the virus is most potent in unventilated indoor areas.

So if you have the PRIVILEGE to stay at home, please do so. Kindly take all necessary precautions to ensure your health and safety. Boost your immune system, too! It’s the most vital weapon! This is our best effort to alleviate the burden that our frontliners have been carrying since the start of pandemic.

As for the people reckoning with their fate each day; the people struggling to live day by day and getting nothing; the people barely surviving through each moment – I ache for each and every one of you. I will continue to be your ally.

If you are ever undergoing the same circumstances, know that you can always talk to me. I’m all ears and just a message away. Just hold on tight. We’re in this together.

Love and light,
Tran

– Rappler.com

Katrina Castilla is a corporate employee, business owner, and women’s advocate based in Manila. She graduated with a degree in Economics from the University of Santo Tomas.