[OPINION] Prison tips for Rodrigo Duterte if the ICC…you know…

It’s not yet clear, our Dear Leader, when the double-dealing BBM-Tambaloslos team will hand you over to the International Criminal Court. For now, just keep being nice to your daughter, who’s still “friends” with the President. She’s the only thing between you and the ICC’s clutches, those meddling humanitarian SOBs. 

FYI, there are two places where you may end up – first, during the trial in The Hague, the Netherlands, and then when you actually serve your term, somewhere among the volunteer host countries, mostly in Western Europe. 

Don’t worry, you’ll actually be fine during the trial. Not only because you’re our toughest, most fearless lodi, but also because the ICC’s pre-trial detention center in Scheveningen outside The Hague is a far cry from the Manila City Jail. But you may still feel out of place because the facility is shockingly state-of-the-art humane. 

Also, Scheveningen is a beach resortish town, and chances are you’ll breathe the fresh, revivifying tang of the surf and hear uplifting daylong merrymaking which, sadly, will all be out of your reach. But cheer up because the ICC Detention Center is like no other. It’s run “with consideration to (detainees’) cultural diversity and their development as individuals,” where, holy cow!, “detained persons are presumed innocent until proven guilty.” 

It’s a modern facility with clean, temperature-controlled private spaces. No need to bring your mosquito net. And get this, your private communication will not be monitored and you’re entitled to “privileged communication” with a “diplomatic representative of his/ her country of origin.” You can keep in touch with Xi! Neat, right? You can also electronically communicate with your defense lawyer, unless Aguirre is already in there too.

Medical facilities will take care of your health (even fentanyl kaya?). There will be “suitably prepared food that satisfies in quality and quantity the standards of dietetics and modern hygiene,” not like the karinderia fare that you’ve had to live by all these years. 

And you’ll have access to news, television, and books (meh). You’re allowed visits from religious or spiritual advisors. I know, big deal, right? But hey, you’ll have access to computers; so, maybe Grand Theft Auto, Yakuza, and Red Dead Redemption2 to while away the time? So far, so good.

Sadly, the ICC Detention Center isn’t for long-term jailbirds. Upon conviction, the picture could change depending on which country agrees to “host” you. 

The good news is, they’re mostly EU countries; so it will be nothing like Bilibid conditions. Central and Northern European countries (Italy, France, Germany, and Austria, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Denmark, Finland, and Sweden) spend between 100 and 380 euros per prisoner a day. Colombia and Argentina are also willing wardens. Not sure of the amenities there, but brush up on habla Español anyway.

The bad news is, there may still be overcrowding in some, and prison gangs too. So, consider learning how to improvise a shiv. For protection, pal around with a tough cell boss, even if Bato may also be in there with you. 

There may not be informal tattoo facilities in well-run prisons, so might as well get professionally inked now before things really get going. See if Whang-Od would do it to remind you of our proud heritage while you’re abroad.

A big word of caution. One-sixth of Europe’s prisoners were convicted of drug offenses, according to the Harm Reduction Journal. So for god’s sake never, ever tell anyone what you’re in for. 

Finally, just assume that whether in Germany, Sweden, or Slovenia, the facilities will be all-male, not co-ed. You may not wish that “the mayor should be the first.” – Rappler.com

Rene Ciria Cruz is an editor at PositivelyFilipino.com. He edited the book A Time to Rise (UP Press), and was Inquirer.net’s US Bureau Chief from 2013-2023. He has written for the San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco Chronicle, and California Lawyer Magazine.